What I Learned About Myself After Not Dining Out for 8 Months

The subdued lighting in the Mexican restaurant lent an air of companionship. My spouse’s boss and his family sat across the table from us. It was a celebration of sorts, for it had been a challenging year in the finance department.  Everyone had opened their menus and were pursuing the options, anticipating the taste of their selection. Everyone except me.

For this past January 1st I, along with millions of others, set a new year’s resolution.  While I have joined the ranks of others launching new goals to better my life several years over, the resolution I set for myself in 2019 was different. It was at the same time more vague, to reflect on my unhealthy eating habits, and more specific, to refrain from eating at restaurants for the entire year.   It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy restaurant food, because I did. A lot. At one point in my life, dining out was an occasion I used to reward myself. Over the years, it gradually became less of a reward and more of a way of life. Eating out once or twice a month morphed into eating out one or twice a day.

In essence, I wanted to repair my relationship with food. 

The result of starting and stopping so many dieting fads and the shame and discomfort attached to being overweight dissolved any trust I had with my ability to eat in a healthy way.  The best way I could determine how to create a positive emotional relationship with food was to refrain from dining out while still accompanying family and friends to the restaurants as not to deprive myself of the enjoyment of their company. Over the years, I have found that when I want to make sustainable change to my behavioral patterns I need to focus and reflect on those specific behaviors.

My current goal was to recognize and confront the emotional triggers to food. I knew if I had a contained time and place to reflect on my emotional and physiological responses to the denial of restaurant food, I would have a greater understanding of self. Thus, my hyper focus on dining out. The logic behind my aspiration was that if the purpose of food is to nourish the body, then I should be able to eat a healthy meal before leaving to meet others at the restaurant.  And subsequently, any desire I had for food after arriving would not be based on hunger but rather an emotional and physiological response.

I quickly understood that my desire for certain foods, especially those high in carbohydrates and fats, had little to do with nutrition and availability and everything to do with addiction and emotional patterns.  I could eat nutritious food all day and the craving for hot melted cheese blended with huge servings of pasta never left.   

Also, I discovered quite early in the year that I needed to be firm in my resolve to not order food when I was with others at the restaurant.   Our culture, like many others, is centered around meals. Meals are a time when family and friends eat and socialize together. It is a representation of love and community.  I never felt the pressure from others, and there was a substantial amount, however trivial, to join the dining once at the restaurant was made from a place of disrespect. But rather, I concluded, their insistence came from their discomfort in eating in front of me. Then the challenge for me became finding a way to sit in my discomfort of their discomfort.

As it was the February night celebration at the Mexican restaurant.  When prompted by my spouse’s boss to speak to the reasons for my desire to replace an unhealthy relationship with food with a mindful reflective relationship, I spoke to the lost trust of self and how I was rebuilding that connection. ‘I did something similar myself last year,’ he said. 

With his response,  I realized that my willingness to be vulnerable and explain my past struggles with unhealthy eating patterns created space for him to reciprocate  with vulnerability of his own. As the year progressed, I noticed when I was authentic and open about repairing my relationship with food, my connection with friends and family deepened.  As did my connection to self. Shame was being replaced with understanding and gentleness. And love.

What are ways that you have repaired your relationship to self?

Love,

Andrea